No way out
by Little-Firestar84
Summary: She didn't want to leave, because the team was her family and that place was her home, and yet that was the only choice. Because her mind was filled with over 5o years of memories that weren't her. Memories that weren't going to be hers. D/V, post serie


Her heart clenches every time she looks around herself, and more than once she finds herself looking at the Stargate with longing. It's not a new mission she wishes for, she is having them, she just would like an escape route. She doesn't want to go, because she feels (or maybe she simply wants to) like this planet and this people are her home, and yet she doesn't know if she can still stay there. There's too little left here for her, and what's happening is too much to handle at the same time. She is around people all the time, and yet she feels like she has never been that alone before, not when she has been trapped in her own body as an host, not when she was expecting as baby never meant to be hers and her friends thought of her as dead.

The fact is that everyone is moving on with their lives, while she feels trapped in her own time, in the past, in a life she'll never live fully. She wants that life, and yet, she knows that it's not how it is meant to be, and it breaks her heart. She exists, being a witness to other lives. And all because she can't forget those memories, memories she has never been supposed to remember to begin with.

It all started with some weird dreams, actually, only, Vala has known from the start t that they weren't just that. Her life couldn't be just that simple, and besides, she has been an host long enough to recognize when she was experiencing foreign memories and, well, experiences. Only, they were are not foreign at all, and yet they are. It's a bit like looking through a mirror, like escaping into another reality, living there like a ghost, just a presence unnoticed. Things are the same, and yet they aren't.

Every night she cries herself to sleep, scared to go there once again, on the Odyssey, and yet thrilled once more by the prospective. She probably doesn't love herself too much, because otherwise she just would escape this damn base and start her life anew, far away from people who hurts her without meaning it. Or maybe they simply don't care. Daniel could be that mean when he wants to, he is definitely not past that.

And yet... she stays. She falls asleep at night and dreams-lives- a life that has never been, fifty years trapped into a time-bubble (or whatever Sam called it). It's not linear, though. Sometimes she dreams (actually, she remembers, or at least she thinks she does) the first few days. Sometimes they are getting ready to die and revert time. Daniel, Cam, Sam, The General, Muscle... they are all there, living their lives for over fifty years. Together.

In that life, they have never left her behind. She knows that right now they aren't doing that on purpose, but is still hurts. She doesn't know why, though. Maybe it's just her own fault, or maybe it's Other Vala's fault. That woman really believed that Daniel loved her, but she had been right. At the end of the day, Daniel was still just a man trapped for over half a century inside a ship with just her at his disposal (Sam doesn't count. She has been faithful to Jack the whole time). It has never been about love, whatever he said. At least, not on his side. Because Vala Mal Doran has been that stupid to love him-to actually fall for Daniel Jackson. Sometimes she wishes that her dreams could be about Cam, but she knows it will never happen. She has always been way too deep into Daniel to just think about another man. Tomin has been an exception, and anyway, she wasn't even sure she was going to see any of them any longer back then, and she kind of had to survive somehow, so doesn't even have to forgive herself. She simply does her best to push that memories to the back of her mind, doing her best to going on living like nothing happened at all.

She hates that she is all alone in this. The others don't remember- with the exception of Teal'c, but it's not like he'll ever say anything about those long years- and besides, she feels like she isn't part of their lives any longer. She and Muscles are the only ones living on base (and even Teal'c doesn't stay that much any longer), Cam has been dating a new girl (from the program) for few months, and it seems to be pretty serious, as he has asked her to move in with him; Sam is diving her time between the base, Atlantis and Washington, where she shares an apartment with Jack, now that he has retired, and Daniel... well, she isn't so sure she wants to talk, or even just think, about Daniel, not when it hurts so much, not when her mind is filled with memories of a carefree Daniel loving her, not when she knows that she'll never have that Daniel, never, ever. Because the Daniel on the Odyssey loved her, but the Daniel at SG-1 is head over heels (even if he doesn't wear heels) in love with a civilian employed at base, a Dr. Mira Whatever. She is everything Daniel may have wanted in a woman: his (former) assistant is young and nice and delicate, kind of a princess in distress, totally by the book and interested in the same things he does- they even complete each other's sentences. She isn't a (former) thief, pirate, con-woman or a liar, she doesn't have any burden on her shoulders, witnessing what they did in the times through the Stargate. (She bets that she doesn't have a daughter who became an adult in a matter of days just to try to seduce the man her mother was in love with and try to take the universe for herself or destroy it.)

That's the woman Daniel loves. Not her, not Vala, and suddenly his words- the words of another Daniel, one who had been in love with her for over half a century- make so much sense. He would never, ever love her, not in a million, millions of years. That Daniel just did it because he had no other choice, but this Daniel, here in the present, in this reality, can choose, and sadly, she understands that she has never been a contender to begin with. She is just a coworker, merely a friend, mostly a nuisance.

At dinner, she sees Daniel leaving with Mira, all dressed up ready to have a nice date somewhere romantic (she hopes it's not "their" place), and at night, she cries herself to sleep, only to dream of crying too, only this time is in his chest as they mourn the loss of their child. A child that it isn't meant to be, not on the Odyssey, not in this life.

That night, when everybody is asleep, she writes two words for Teal'c, and then she does what she would have right from the start, what she does best: she runs.

-o-o-o-o-o

Time passes. Days turns into weeks, weeks into months, and before she realizes it, it's been over a year. Over a year, and nothing changes. She has left, and yet the ache did nothing but getting worse. She doesn't know what to do, as it seems she can't live without him, nor with him.

She looks at the immensity of the space from her window of the ship, and suddenly the words of that Daniel come back with a passion, words so similar to what "her" Daniel once said. Because maybe he didn't love her, but he trusted her, and he was proud of her and what she had become.

She knows what she will do with the rest of her life, she will make up for her past, she will redeem herself. Because maybe she'll never have Daniel, but she will try to make him proud.

Even if he will never know it.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

SG-1 arrives on PX- when it's spring there. Like many other humanoid worlds, it looks like Earth a lot, even many animals seem to be the same ones, and they ask themselves if maybe flora and fauna originated here and this is just some wicked coincidence or back home and the Goa'uld just moved things along through the Stargate, like they did with slaves. The planet is florid, the people seems happy, but the ruins scattered all over the planet seems to suggest a richer past, both in technology, art and culture. The touch of the Goa'uld is everywhere, and yet this people... the only way Daniel can describe them is as happy. Something he hasn't been in a while, over a year, after he had lost...

After Vala left.

It's not like he dismissed her or her presence in his life. It wasn't even like he has taken her for granted, it's just that... ok, all right. He will be honest, and admit that he had done both things, but... after the defeat of the Ori, of Adria, and of Ba'al, he had finally found himself in...a happy place? He felt ready to move on, find someone to love and maybe start a family, in due time. He had earned his rest, after all, he could finally be again a scientist and concentrate on other things than war.

And, oh boy, hadn't he done it?

He had met Mira, and she was so much like him...and she worshipped the very ground he walked on, which wasn't that bad for someone who has been teased all lifelong about either his sex life or his theories. It has felt... good, but as soon as he understood that Vala was gone, when he realized that she hadn't left anything for him, he understood that he had been a tiny bit too much taken by his own persona.

Over one year, and he still wonders what he did wrong, and if he could have taken the mixed signals she was sending them. Did she feel alone, left out? Did she think about it right from the start? Weren't things as good as he had assumed? Did she expect that he took seriously her flirting and do something about it?

And every time, there is no answers. Only Teal'c could provide intelligence on the matter, as she left a note addressed to him and him alone, but the man isn't talking. His guess is that it could have to do with the Odyssey. After all, it's the only subject he would never talk about. Maybe Vala knew something. Maybe he told her those things himself (or maybe not. Actually, he doesn't think so.). He doesn't know, and he never will, probably. Maybe that's the problem, the nail of the matter. He never got to say goodbye, to ask the questions himself. One day she was there, and the next moment...gone.

But that's not right, that's a lie and he knows it. Vala vanished from his life a long time before, he was the one pushing her away, after all. Oh, he didn't did it on purpose, of course, but he did it nevertheless. He pushed her out, cut her out because he felt like his life was right before his eyes once again. He thought he had found what he was looking for, but he was wrong, because he had realized that what he kept saying about her as a team-member, as a coworker, could be said about her as a woman too. He trusted her with his life, and he trusted her with his heart, only, it took him too long to see it, and now it's too late. A piece of him is gone, and he craves to have it back, only... he doubts it will ever happen. After all, how many times can a man be so fortunate in a lifetime?

(A lifetime...well, more or less.)

He loved his wife and then he lost her. And he swore to never, ever love again. It hurt too much, and he was too scared of feeling that way again. Better concentrating on evil aliens, conquerors, amazing technologies, little grey men believed to be Northern gods and so on. Work and adventure had been his shield against everything, his way to keep everyone out. Because, as much as it hurt to admit it, he wasn't the same with the others too. A piece of him died along with his wife, and even if he knew he could have it back by living, by moving on, he decided against it.

Better safe than sorry, right? And safe right now means concentrating on the mission.

He shakes his head and concentrates on his surroundings, and soon they are approached by a small army and an elder man. The weapons are quite...old fashioned and rudimental, and their clothes look like taken from an Arthurian story, but they have to remember that there is strength in numbers too, and they are just four against many more.

The elder man introduce himself as Altheas, and when they tell him their story, and explain that they are explorer, he believes them. He says that a long time before Srya- PX-395 name- was a technologically advanced planet, but everything changed when the Goa'uld attacked. They destroyed everything, sending the planet back to what on Earth was Stone Age. But now the enemy is no more, and even if they are mostly farmers right now, there is peace and unity, something the planet hadn't seen in a long time, something they would never trade for anything.

Patting the men on their back (Sam is accepted but not really welcome. Looks like they are a twisted patriarchal society) he guides them towards his village, promising to allow them to celebrate the incoming festivities with the natives. He talks about food and wine, women dancing with little clothing, but Daniel, despite the fact that he should be interested because, dammit, this is supposed to be his line of work, can't bring himself to care.

Everything changes, though, as soon as Altheus announces that the main event will be the execution of the former tyrant, the one once known as Qetesh.

That's bad. End of the world kind of bad. He doesn't like it, and so the rest of the team.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Once Vala told him that her people didn't make any difference between her and the parasite, or maybe they just didn't care, and now, years later, here she is, in the same situation. Back then, she has been all alone, and now... Now, Daniel knows he has been distant for too long, and he wants to make it up, whatever the cost.

The execution is supposed to take place as the sun will rise once again, and it's still night when Daniel approaches the cage in the middle of the village. She is sitting in a small corner, like some little ball, lost and void. She doesn't look good, her body shows signs of dehydration and malnutrition even from a certain distance, and Daniel wonders how long she has been a prisoner: bruises and cuts suggest way too long for his own liking.

She turns, and she finally sees him, and their eyes meet with a small smiles, and a lot of tears involved. "Daniel..." she breathes, and from the look she sends him, she is probably thinking this is all a dream. Guilt hits him once again, as he realizes it's all his fault. She was escaping from him, after all, and even if she didn't (which, by the way, he doesn't think it's the case), he neglected to see the signals. So, yeah, that's all his fault if she is hurt and in pain and miserable.

And yet... the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his whole bloody life.

He looks around, hoping that no one will notice. The rest of the team is keeping the villagers busy, and where they can't go, there's wine and sex and flirt and the promise of sex. No one will notice that they are gone until it will not be too late, and even if they will see something, he will fight. He has already left her down once, he will not do that again, and he knows that this is the only choice they have. They have tried to see if the natives understood the difference between the host and the parasite, but they don't seem to care. They believe the host to be already corrupted, and chosen for the similarities with the parasite. It's not true- even if he knows that Vala wasn't exactly a saint back then - and he can't keep losing her too. It would be worse than not knowing. Not knowing, there could be hope. But death... it would be tricky, even in their line of work.

He takes her in his arms, and Vala doesn't cry. He guesses she doesn't have the strength any longer, too frail, already on the verge of death. And yet, she nuzzles his neck, breathes him in, like she knew deep down, that he wasn't a dream. Or maybe, hoping to make the dream coming true. He is her savior, he realizes, the one she always thinks of when in danger, when she needs help. Did she think of him too, when she had to marry Tomin and she wanted nothing more than escaping back to Earth?

"My darling Daniel..." she breathes, her voice a broken whisper in the cold night as they walk toward the Stargate. Vala is weightless in his arms, and he isn't sure he likes it. That's not her. Vala was a real woman, on the thin side, yes, but she had all her curves where she needed them. She was a real woman, and felt like one in his arms when he undressed her on the Prometheus, or when she straddled him to heal his wounds.

She may kick and scream and hurt him, but he swears that he will nurse her back to heal, no matter what, no matter how long it will take. He will not take her back just to lose her once again. He will fight for her, he will try to make her understand that he knows where he did wrong ad that he wants to rectify his mistakes.

He dials Earth, and the Stargate shines right before him, the wormhole ready to bring him back home.

To bring back all of them.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Caro takes care of her wounds, dressing them, saying that she will heal nicely. There will be scars, but she is positive that SG Command could have something to make them look... less bad. Daniel almost laughs as she says so. She is probably thinking about the fact that Vala is so...sexual and physical, but he would like to tell her that he doesn't care. If he'll be the only one to see her naked from now on, he couldn't care any less. They would just be a reminder of what an idiot he can be, and how easily one could lose what he loves the most.

She is currently sleeping, and again Caro tells him it's normal. It's not medical induced, just her body nursing itself back to heath, and fighting the shock of captivity. She tells him not to worry, that she will wake up in a couple of days and that she provided everything she needs through IV, is it nourishment or liquids. He is the one she is worried about: in the last few months, he didn't take good care of himself (she thoughts it was the break-up with Mira, but Cam told her that he was positive it was about Vala. She dismissed him when he said so) and since he has been back with his "lover" he hadn't left her side yet. She isn't even sure Vala will appreciate when she will wake up. He has left that village in a hurry, and he hasn't showered yet. The beard could do, actually, with a stubble he is quite sexy (not that she will ever admit it) but the smell? Not so much.

"I can't leave her side. I need to be here when she'll wake up. I need for her to see me. To know that I've been here the whole time, that I'm not going to leave her again."

Daniel takes back Vala's hand in his own, and cups her face with his other one, and Caro simply leave. She knows he will never listen to her, and looking at the two of them, she isn't ever sure if she actually mind.

Not when she can see true love fighting its battle.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

When she finally wakes up after 3 long days, he doesn't hold back his tears. She is still weak, but can lift her head just a tiny bit, enough to look at him. Daniel looks terrible and smells even worse, and yet she smiles. She has to admit that it is kind of good for her feminine ego seeing how destroyed he was upon her impeding death. It's also good knowing that he went through so much troubles just to save her.

(She also happens to love life and chance and fate and everything in between, because he got where she needed him to be when she needed him to be there.)

He hides his head in her belly, nuzzling the rough fabric of her gown, crying and begging for forgiveness, and all she can do is smile of a little, teary smile, caressing his scalp, shouting him. He doesn't calm down, though, and he keeps talking and talking and talking, like a river, and she stops only when she starts singing a lullaby in her mother language, a song her mother used to sing to her when she was just a little child.

He purrs like a content cat, and asks her to stay there with him, he tells them that he'll not repeat his mistakes again. "I know" she says, closing her eyes and falling asleep once again, with Daniel's head in her lap.

She doesn't dream of fifty years on the Odyssey any longer, but of a future and of things yet to come. Because those fifty years are finally there. And that life is her life, and Daniel... he is hers.


End file.
